Epic Roasthouse

Posted on 07/28/2015 by Randomly Edible

Any restaurant named “Epic Roasthouse” is either incredibly good or a total disappointment. As luck would have it, I had the opportunity to find out for myself recently, and I am happy to report that I had a very non-disappointing experience. The service is great, the food is even better, and the view isn’t bad either. Epic Roasthouse isn’t exactly cheap, but if you’re looking to save a few bucks, Taco Bell is right down the street.

We were banished to the ‘outdoor area’ which was still quite cozy.

” Oh dear. This was going to hurt. “

After a trafficky but otherwise uneventful drive into San Francisco, my wife Shawn and I left the car with the valet and walked inside Epic to claim our reservation. The place is oozing with a “reclaimed industrial” vibe, complete with exposed pipes and other excitingly chunky rusted things. It’s trendy and dangerously close to being too hip, but it works. We were led to our table on the patio, where we met up with the remaining 33% of our dinner party and sat down to enjoy the view.

The view here does not suck.

The menu was what I call “typical steakhouse length”, meaning that it fit on exactly two pages. This is either good or bad, depending on your particular tastes, but in this case it was a very good thing. Epic seemed to be reading my mind with every single menu item.

The offerings were refreshingly simple without being boring. Each featured some slight twist to show that they cared enough to make it unique, but not gourmet’d-to-death like so many restaurants love to do by adding of cheetah larnyx extract, hyper rare panda dung mushrooms, and tree frog kidneys. Nope, Epic forgoes the gastric silliness and instead offers good, old fashioned kick-ass steaks with kick-ass sauces, honest but delicious-sounding sides like “Julia Child” potatoes and bacon roasted Brussels sprouts, and desserts so wickedly decadent that you are tempted to skip dinner altogether.

Mmmmmmooooooooooo

We ordered a couple steaks, a build-your-own salad, and a healthy assortment of sides. The steaks were… well, they were epic. Ok fine, Epic Roasthouse gets to keep its name – they do indeed live up to the hype. They both talk the talk and walk the walk. Confirmed.

To be honest, I expected the steak to be amazing, so it was hardly a surprise. To me, the true character of Epic would be revealed in the side dishes, and I am happy to report that these were even better than the steaks. The clear star of the show was the späetzle gratin – it was a succulent and deliciously cheesy interpretation of classic baked mac that absolutely exploded with flavor. The fries were slightly above average, and the asparagus was tasty and fresh. We all kept going back to the späetzle though, it was simply incredible.

‘Späetzle’ is German for ‘straight to my waistline’.

At this point in the meal I was already uncomfortably full, and there was no way I was going to have dessert. No chance, none. The waitperson dropped off a dessert menu anyway, a useless gesture, and then my eyes fell on the s’mores brownie cake with peanut brittle.

Oh dear. This was going to hurt.

Have you ever seen peanut brittle at a restaurant before? Me either.

Mercifully, Epic’s dessert portion sizes were decidedly un-American (i.e., they were smaller than an aircraft carrier). The smores cake looked exactly as decadent as it sounded, and it tasted even better. The addition of scratch-made peanut brittle to the standard chocolate-graham-marshmallow combination really worked and helped to bring the whole dish together.

One of this things is not like the others.

A trio of sorbets also made an appearance at our table. The flavors were cala orange, blackberry, and banana. Those same flavors represented in intensity by font size were cara cara orange, blackberry, and BANANA. The orange was light, the blackberry was light and refreshing, and the banana was IN YOUR FACE and was at least ten times more potent than the other two. The orange and blackberry seemed downright watery after tasting the banana, but they actually worked quite well as a trio.

I have to say that I was rather impressed with my meal at Epic Roasthouse. It’s not a cheap place to eat, but in a strange twist I felt like I actually got my money’s worth out of the meal. Well, mostly anyway. The food is honest, well-made, and just creative enough to justify the lofty prices; think of it as an upscale restaurant that offers real food instead of typical “fine dining” fare. I give Epic 37 out of 40 feet of rusty industrial pipe, a solid rating for a solid establishment.

Pros
+ Straightforward, good food
+ Killer views
++ Best späetzle outside of Germany

Cons
– It stings the wallet a bit
– The dessert menu will hurt you
+ I guess that’s a good thing though

Epic Roasthouse
369 The Embarcadero
San Francisco, CA 94105
(415) 369-9955
www.epicsteak.com

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This is the gateway to an extremely full belly.

P.S. Whew, I made it through the whole writeup without saying “epic win” once!

P.P.S. Damnit, I just did.

Umami Burger

Posted on 02/16/2015 by Randomly Edible

Umami Burger has a lot going for it, namely truffles. This restaurant also happens to make a mean burger and some of the best onion rings I’ve encountered west of Salt Lake City, but it’s the truffles that are the first, last, and pretty much only thing you’re going to remember. The thought of this will have you either drooling or gagging, depending of course on whether or not you like truffles.

Thanks to sf.eater.com for letting me, ahem, ‘borrow’ this picture.

” Oh how I longed for a humble bottle of Heinz 57 “

Umami Burger is a medium-sized restaurant chain primarily based in California, but there are a handful of locations scattered across the U.S. as well. The very first thing I noticed when I walked in to the Umami Burger in Palo Alto was – you guessed it – the smell of truffles. It seems that the majority of humans on the planet love the hell out of those musty underground tumors, but I am not one of those people. To me, truffles have a very chemical-y, unpleasant reek. There’s a funk to the things that just isn’t right, and they taste like other people’s bad breath smells. Most of the other patrons in the restaurant seemed to be on the opposite end of the truffle spectrum from me; they were all rather enjoying the odor, inhaling blissfully as though they were eating $100 bills with their nostrils.

To each their own, I suppose. I can’t hold the truffle thing against Umami Burger just because I don’t personally like them, but because so much of the experience at this place relies on those stinky little mushrooms, the subject can’t be avoided.

The artisan pickle plate (shown here half-eaten) was excellent.

The capable and courteous restaurant staff quickly showed me and the rest of my lunch party (the usual suspects) us to a table. I counted eighteen items on the menu, consisting of burgers, salads, and sides. Of these, more than half featured truffles in some form. I opted for a Manly burger (yes, that’s actually what it’s called) and a side of truffle-less fries. For the table we got a house pickle plate and an order of tempura onion rings. The pickle plate showed up almost immediately, and it featured six different kinds of pickled vegetables. The green beans were by far my favorite, but the beets were pretty darned excellent as well. We were halfway through the plate before I remembered to take a picture of it… Oops.

The next time I develop a craving for onion rings, I’m coming back here.

A few minutes later, our order of onion rings showed up. Wow! Why oh why doesn’t everyone prepare their onion rings tempura style? These rings were absolutely superb with just the right balance between crunch and perfectly cooked onion. Most importantly, when taking a bite of a ring, molten hot onion did not slide out of the batter and slap me in the chin. The onion severed cleanly and easily; every bite was perfection.

Hey, my hamburger bun still has the label on it.

My Manly burger and fries arrived shortly afterwards, and everything looked great – this place certainly does a good job on presentation. I am happy to report that both the burger and the fries were extremely delicious. The quality of the beef patty was outstanding, and it had a nice crispy grilled crust on it. Yum. I could still faintly taste truffles somewhere in my burger though, likely cross-contamination from all of the other truffle-heavy foods prepared in the kitchen.

Also available in truffle version. This should not surprise you.

The shoestring-style fries were also quite excellent. Partway through the meal, however, pungent truffle flavor suddenly appeared on the fries and forcibly drove all other tastes out of my mouth. What the… Where did that come from? I tried another fry and there was no truffle taste at all. Eh? It was then that I realized there were truffles in the ketchup. IN THE EFFING KETCHUP. Is nothing sacred in this place?? I had no choice but to endure my otherwise excellent burger and fries without any ketchup at all, which was something of a disappointment. Oh how I longed for a humble bottle of Heinz 57.

In spite of my mushroom-based grumblings, I truly enjoyed my experience at Umami Burger. I know that I am among the genetic minority of people who find that truffles smell like pig urine. Yes, yes, I’m sure I am missing out on something wonderful, but that’s beside the point. Getting back on track, I rate Umami Burger a very respectable 90 out of 100 grams of tuber melanosporum. If you’re looking for a good burger and some great onion rings a notch above standard burger joint fare, this is the place for you.

Pros
+ Well-executed burgers with a gourmet kick
+ Masterful tempura onion rings

Cons
– Black truffles are in everything
– – Like seriously EVERYTHING
+ If you enjoy truffles that’s good though
– But I don’t

P.S. I used the word “truffle” in this post 18 times. Make that 19.

Umami Burger
Multiple locations throughout the U.S.
www.umamiburger.com

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The Great South Bay Falafel-Off

Posted on 02/02/2015 by Randomly Edible

In ancient times, falafels were not just delicious fried balls of chick peas. Falafel making was at the center of human existence in those days; empires rose and fell at the mercy of their leaders’ falafel prowess. To question another’s falafel was to insult the very core of their being, and bloody falafel duels were common on the dusty streets of, uh … the cities where, um, falafels were popular. Whichever cities those were. I’m not really sure.

” No, ‘gyros’ is not plural “

Ok, so perhaps I’ve embellished a little bit on the history of falafels, but that’s beside the point. What really matters is that I have personally researched two present-day South Bay chick pea giants: Falafel’s Drive-In and Falafel Stop. Let’s see how they compare.

Falafel’s Drive-In

Smallest ‘parking lot’ I have ever seen. I’m not sure it can hold an entire car.

The first stop on my quest for the greatest Mediterranean food within five miles of my house was Falafel’s Drive-In. This place was already immensely popular before being featured on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives back in 2007, and since then it’s become even more mainstream. The first thing my lunch party and I noticed when we pulled up was a cartooned Guy Fieri featured in the middle of a large, colorful mural in the semi-outdoor dining area. Then we spotted another Guy Fieri in another mural, and then another. So pretty much this place is the Church of Guy. Weird. If anyone had asked me if I’d like some Kool-Aid, I wouldn’t have been surprised.

The decor isn’t boring, that’s for sure.

The menu offers a variety of Middle Eastern and Mediterranean dishes, as well as more traditional diner fare like burgers and fries. After deliberating on the menu and placing our order, it took only a few minutes for our food to show up at the window – barely enough time to finish counting Guys.

No, ‘gyros’ is not plural.

I opted for a gyros pita, mostly because that’s what I always get at places like this. Instead of the thin strips I was expecting, Falafel’s Drive-In serves their gyros meat as large, cubed lumps… and it really works. The tzatziki sauce was excellent, the veggies were crisp and fresh as can be, and the pita bread was stuffed to its absolute maximum capacity. I’ve had plenty of gyros over the years, and this is one of the better ones I’ve encountered. I’ll be back for another one of those.

I’m pretty sure I have no idea how to pronounce this.

Also included in our lunch order was a koubby, which is basically a large beef meatball with pine nuts and onions wearing a crispy wheat jacket. None of us at the table knew how to pronounce “koubby” but we guessed it might rhyme with “Scooby”, and so we simply referred to it as a Scooby Snack. This is undoubtedly incorrect on many levels, but because it amused us we just went with it.

I don’t have a lot of experience with Scooby Snacks – indeed, it was something new for all of us – but I am happy to report that it was very tasty indeed. I noticed a definite undertone of cinnamon in the ground beef filling, but it was well-balanced and very meaty. It reminded me very much of pastitsio (aka Greek lasagne) in its flavor profile. Delicious.

Everyone likes pictures of French fries.

Falafel’s Drive-In is also very well known for their banana milkshakes, but because it was a million degrees below zero that day we opted out. Ok, so it was actually about 55 degrees F, but in California that’s cold enough to make liquid nitrogen. Weather aside, I give Falafel’s Drive-In a very respectable 8 out of 10 Scooby Snacks. We very much enjoyed our visit and would be happy to return sometime very soon.

Pros
+ Gigantical chunks of gyros meat
+ Scooby Snacks!
+ It’s been on Triple-D
+ Banana milkshakes are rumored to be awesome

Cons
– Guy is watching you
– No parking to speak of

Falafel’s Drive-In
2301 Stevens Creek Boulevard
San Jose, CA 95128
(408) 294-7886
www.falafelsdrivein.com

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——————————————————————

Falafel Stop

Exactly like Falafel’s Drive-In, minus the murals.

The second half of this Mediterranean showdown takes place at Falafel Stop, another icon of South Bay one-off fast food. At first glance, it looks pretty much the same as Falafel’s Drive-In. It has a walk-up window, generous outdoor seating, (almost) no parking, and a massive cult following. At this point, however, the similarities end. You will not find a burger, gyros, or koubby on the menu at Falafel Stop; instead the focus is on shuwarmas, kebabs, and of course falafel.

There’s plenty of room to sit and be confused about your order.

We perused the menu, decided on our plan of attack, and obediently stood in line underneath a sign clearly indicating “Order Here”. (There’s a reason I make a point of this fact. More on this later.) While we were waiting, we were presented with piping hot samples of crispy, divine falafel complete with a drizzle of dipping sauce. Oh my goodness were they delicious, and quite an unexpected bonus as part of our visit. Plus one point for Falafel Stop.

Little golden balls of nom

We ordered a shuwarma pita, a Greek salad, some falafel, and a couple of sodas. We paid the cashier and he handed us two receipts. He said, “Head over to the grill for the hot food, but the falafel are from the kitchen so we’ll bring those to you. Let us know when you get the salad so we can put another falafel on that.” Even he seemed confused by this. We nodded dumbly, took the receipts, and looked around unsure of what to do next. “The grill will have your order, that’s what the other receipt is for,” he clarified.

Oh.

What?

We shuffled a few steps into the dining area, scanning our two receipts for a possible clue and glancing back at the dubious “Order Here” sign. At that moment, someone handed us our sodas and a little bag of falafel. The cashier stuck his head out of the door and said, “The kitchen already knew about your falafel so you can never mind that part.”

Huh?

Utterly flabbergasted, we decided just to sit down and see what would happen next. After a few minutes, someone walked out from what was apparently “the grill” and asked us if we had ordered a shuwarma pita. “Um, yes, we did,” I replied.

“Oh ok,” he said, “we have your order over here. I need your receipt.” I handed him one of the receipts. “The other one,” he said. I handed him the other one. He walked me over to the grill area and proceeded to expertly and swiftly construct my shuwarma pita, and it looked fairly amazing.

The prices at Falafel Stop appear to have been set using a random number generator.

I returned to the table with my grilled pocket of perfection, and we waited. Nothing seemed to be happening. We noticed an area next to the cashier that looked like it might be where the salads happen, and we guessed our other receipt might be required. It was. The salad people did their thing and before long our entire order had been completed. We think.

This is the pita bread you’ve been searching your whole life for.

Setting aside the ridiculous ordering process for a moment, let me just say that the food at Falafel Stop is nothing short of spectacular. The falafel were great (as I’ve already mentioned), the shuwarma meat was seasoned to perfection and plentiful, and the veggies were remarkably fresh. Even the salad was excellent. What really caught me by surprise, however, was the pita bread. Holy smoley, what a masterpiece. Pita bread is usually a forgettable, dry envelope that holds delicious things; it’s just a utensil, a throw-away. I don’t think I can even recall what normal pita bread even tastes like… but THIS stuff. Wow! It arrives fresh from the kitchen piping hot and fluffy – it’s truly a thing to behold. It falls somewhere between an English muffin and naan. Incredible.

It’s all Greek to me. Salad, that is.

In the end, I felt that the food at Falafel Stop edged out Falafel’s Drive-In. The two can’t really judged in a side-by-side comparison because they are so different, but if you asked me which of the two I’d rather visit next, I’d choose Falafel Stop. Unfortunately, the inane process to actually acquire food at Falafel Stop put a bit of a damper on their score, but I still feel that they deserve a solid 9 out of 10 fluffy pitas.

Pros
+ Falafel samples!
+ That pita bread, I don’t even
+/- More parking than Falafel Drive-In, barely

Cons
– Incomprehensible ordering system
– Seriously, what the hell

Falafel Stop
1325 Sunnyvale-Saratoga Road
Sunnyvale, CA 94087
(408) 735-7182
www.falafelstop.biz

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Standard Restaurant Review Disclaimer
The ambiguous and illogical rating system used in this review is not intended to be pinpoint accurate. It’s only there to give you a general idea of how much I like or dislike an establishment, and it also gives me an excuse to write silly things. If my rating system angers and distracts you, there’s a good chance you have control issues. I would also like to point out that I am not a highly qualified restaurant reviewer person, nor do I particularly care what that job is called. If you were under the impression that perhaps I was one of those people, consider your hopes dashed. Lastly, wow! You read the entire disclaimer. You get a gold star on your chart today.

Gott’s Roadside

Posted on 10/13/2014 by Randomly Edible

Gott’s Roadside is an excellent place. For my own tastes, it’s damn near the perfect eatery. Gott’s serves burgers, shakes, salads, breakfast, and quite a number of other American-style classics. They upscale things a bit by also offering a selection of wines, and their beer list ain’t bad either. There isn’t any one thing I can put my finger on that this restaurant does better than its peers, but maybe the thing that sets Gott’s apart is its consistency. All I know is that the next time I’m in the mood for a burger, I’m coming straight back here.

” My continued fry pilfering did not go unnoticed “

After an exhausting weekend of really and truly intending to do a better job of eating healthy, my wife and I decided one little burger couldn’t hurt… right? And maybe a shake. With fries of course. Mmmm, fries. We almost tried to talk ourselves out of it, but it wasn’t long before our rumbling stomachs made us get in the car and drive to the new Gott’s Roadside that just opened near Stanford. The road to hell, it turns out, is paved with comfort food.

Great location, right on the corner of El Camino and Embarcadero.

Because I think I am smarter than my GPS unit, I decided to take El Camino from the South Bay all the way up to Palo Alto. Twelve years and several months later, we arrived at our destination. The right side of my face was getting a little sunburned from being subjected to the Spousal Glare of Death coming from the passenger seat, so I exited the car quickly and made sure to be as politely expedient as possible. We went inside, placed our orders at the cash register, and sat at a booth to await our grub.

Where is everybody?

The first thing that struck me about the restaurant is how empty it was during lunchtime on a Sunday afternoon. It may well be that Town & Country Village – the shopping center where Gott’s is located – is more of a weekday kind of spot, and I certainly hope that’s all it is. On the weekends, every parking lot in Palo Alto is jam-packed with Audis and Teslas, and every business is filled to bursting, largely with snooty people in expensive yoga pants… but apparently not today. Then again, Gott’s did just open, and things might just be taking a little while to ramp up.

If you don’t like po’ boys, you aren’t human. Sorry.

Suddenly our pager buzzed, interrupting my scornful musings of the upper middle class, and I hurried off to grab our food. Shawn’s crispy chicken po’ boy looked delicious, and so did her side order of fries. I had decided not to order any fries for myself because I didn’t really want any, but I figured stealing a couple of hers would probably be okay. They weren’t anything special, but sometimes regular old fries are just what you want. Having just another couple fries shouldn’t be a problem, I thought, and snagged a few more. Then a few more. Unfortunately, my continued fry pilfering did not go unnoticed. In a calm and pleasant voice, Shawn said, “I thought you didn’t want any fries.” At least I think that’s what she said, because the words I heard inside my head were “If you touch my food again, I will nail your skin to the Stanford tree mascot.” Regardless of what the exact statement was, I felt it was best to focus my appetite elsewhere.

Perfectly crispy but otherwise uninspiring fries. Then again, what else do you really need?

To my delight, I suddenly remembered that I had ordered a patty melt. Hooray! This diner classic is one of my favorites and one I am always looking for. It’s a tricky dish to get right, and all too often the bread turns into a soggy mess where it touches the hamburger patty… but not at Gott’s. The toasty rye bread was crisp and un-collapsed, the whole grain mustard was fantastic, and the grilled onions were flat-out amazing. And the cheese! I give Gott’s a huge thumbs-up for choosing Gruyere as the “melt” part of the patty melt. It was the highlight of the meal for me.

A patty melt! Surprisingly hard to find, but Gott’s has them.

We finished up our meal pleasantly satisfied but not overly full, and we agreed that Gott’s Roadside rocks. They somehow seem to have exactly what you want on the menu, and they do a great job of not screwing it up in the kitchen. The quality of the ingredients and preparation receive high marks, as do the speedy service, reasonable bill, and clean dining area. Gott’s may not knock you on your ass in sheer awe, but if you want a great, hiccup-free experience and some tasty grub then this is the place for you. I rate Gott’s an extremely solid 13 out of 14 stolen french fries, more than good enough to justify many repeat visits. Just don’t take El Camino to get there.

Gott’s Roadside
Multiple locations around the Bay Area
www.gotts.com

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There’s a little something here for everybody.

Standard Restaurant Review Disclaimer
The ambiguous and illogical rating system used in this review is not intended to be pinpoint accurate. It’s only there to give you a general idea of how much I like or dislike an establishment, and it also gives me an excuse to write silly things. If my rating system angers and distracts you, there’s a good chance you have control issues. I would also like to point out that I am not a highly qualified restaurant reviewer person, nor do I particularly care what that job is called. If you were under the impression that perhaps I was one of those people, consider your hopes dashed. Lastly, wow! You read the entire disclaimer. You get a gold star on your chart today.

Village California Bistro and Wine Bar

Posted on 06/09/2014 by Randomly Edible

I recently got the chance to have a quick bite at Village Bistro, and I was pleasantly surprised. This typically Californian bistro is located right in the middle of Santana Row, which also happens to be typically Californian. The menu has surprisingly good variety, and in spite of being a bit overly faux-sophisticated the food is well crafted and not too fancy.

” ‘Bistro’ means ‘we have small tables’ in secret restaurant language “

I dread going to Santana Row. Once I’m there I like it just fine, but trying to find a parking spot is excruciating. Once I finally managed to ditch my car in an unauthorized area, I strolled over to Village Bistro to meet some people for lunch. Ok, so it’s actually called VILLAGE California Bistro and Wine Bar, which is even wordier and more disjointed than one of my restaurant reviews. I have no idea why they insist on stylizing VILLAGE in all caps. There’s no need to yell at me, I believe you that it’s in a village. Just calm down.

In spite of the weekend lunchtime crowd that constantly swarms Santana Row, I and the rest of my party were seated quickly in a fairly cramped booth. I guess “bistro” means “we have small tables” in secret restaurant language. Our waiter and his perfectly sculpted beard stopped by right away and got us set up with drinks. I couldn’t take my eyes off the beard. It was amazing. It took me a while to figure out what I wanted to eat, but I eventually settled on a turkey Reuben with fries. We put our order in, pondered the endless stream of beautiful people wandering past the window, and before we knew it our food had arrived.

If you’ve never seen a turkey Reuben before, now you can say you have.

To my surprise and delight, the turkey Reuben was outstanding. I’d put it in the top 20% of the best Reubens I’ve ever had; the turkey was lean, well seasoned, and not the slightest bit dry. The French fries were above average, and the oddly purple sauerkraut was delicious. Directly across the table from me was the world’s juiciest steak “banh mi” sandwich; I was fortunate enough to try a bite of it and it was excellent. I’ve had better Vietnamese-style sandwiches before, but this one was plenty tasty. I’d be happy to order one, and in fact I probably will the next time I visit.

I liked Village… I mean VILLAGE Bistro (and California thingy and whatever else they said they were) and I would enjoy eating here again sometime. I rate this place 20 out of 25 unnecessarily capitalized letters – certainly worth a visit but not quite what I would consider a destination. Their central location within Santana Row is convenient, assuming you are already there, their versions of culinary favorites are different enough to be interesting, and the overall quality of their food is excellent. Nothing can match the quality of that beard though. Nothing.

VILLAGE California Bistro and Wine Bar
378 Santana Row #1035
San Jose, CA 95128
(408) 248-9091
www.thevillagebistro.net

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It’s just so adorably Californian I could pinch its little cheeks.

Standard Restaurant Review Disclaimer
The ambiguous and illogical rating system used in this review is not intended to be pinpoint accurate. It’s only there to give you a general idea of how much I like or dislike an establishment, and it also gives me an excuse to write silly things. If my rating system angers and distracts you, there’s a good chance you have control issues. I would also like to point out that I am not a highly qualified restaurant reviewer person, nor do I particularly care what that job is called. If you were under the impression that perhaps I was one of those people, consider your hopes dashed. Lastly, wow! You read the entire disclaimer. You get a gold star on your chart today.

Randomly Edible

Mostly a food blog. Sort of.

Tag Archives: French fries

Epic Roasthouse

Umami Burger

The Great South Bay Falafel-Off

Gott’s Roadside

Village California Bistro and Wine Bar

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