Small Bite: Real chili does NOT have beans

Everybody thinks they know how to make chili. Some people do, some people don’t. Both types of people are fine, but what many of them fail to understand is that real chili is not supposed to have beans.

” Serve the beans on the side. Please? “

Now before you go all bean-militant on me and accuse me of being a bean hater, let me be perfectly clear: I love beans. I love beans in chili. But beans are not supposed to be cooked in chili. The correct way to do things is to the cook beans separately and then add them to the chili on a per-serving basis… just like pasta. You don’t boil raw pasta in sauce, do you? No. You prepare pasta separately in its own pot of salted water so that it comes out just so, and then you add your pasta sauce to it. And that’s how chili is supposed to be handled as well.

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Confused? Outraged? Mind blown? Well don’t take my word on it. The International Chili Society is the single, official authority on what chili is and what it isn’t. As clearly stated in the chili cookoff event rules:

Chili is defined by the International Chili Society as any kind of meat or combination of meats, cooked with red chili peppers, various spices and other ingredients, with the exception of BEANS and PASTA which are strictly forbidden.

I already know what you’re going to say: “But… but…. I make famous and awesome chili and it has beans in it!” No, I’m sorry, you make famous and awesome chili-style beans. That’s ok though, it’s totally fine. There’s nothing wrong with what you make, you’ve just been calling it the wrong name.

Before you get all huffy about it, I’m not here to tell you what you can and can’t do. You can make chili with toothpaste and pine needles if you feel like, and you can call it whatever you want. Just know that true, legitimate chili consists of exactly two things: meat and flavor. That means “vegetarian chili”, by definition, isn’t.

At this point you might be wondering if you’ve ever really had true, legitimate chili in your entire life, and the truth is there’s a good chance you haven’t. Not to worry! The winning recipes from every World Chili Champion from 1967 to today are posted right here for you to replicate and enjoy. If you can’t decide which one to try first, Tarantula Jack’s recipe is both delicious and easy, and it’s a perfect example of what true chili is supposed to be.

And for the sake of all that is good and wholesome in this world, serve the beans on the side. Please?


This graphic pretty much says it all.

This graphic pretty much says it all.


Nonstandard Disclaimer of Randomness
The views and opinions of the author are strictly correct and expressed as fact. If you find yourself in disagreement with any statements made in this post, stop smoking crack. Please also do not get your feelings all hurt because you just found out you were wrong about the bean thing. We all make mistakes. I once owned several pairs of tapered jeans, for example, but I stopped wearing them. Similarly, you can stop putting beans in your chili.


Backdoor Chili

Everybody thinks they have a good chili recipe. Some actually do, but they are in the minority. Now don’t get all offended at me, I’m not talking about your chili in particular. It might be great and all but really, do you feel confident enough about your recipe to enter a contest with it? Yeah, me either. David Valega, on the other hand, won the freaking world championship in 1990 with his “Backdoor Chili” recipe. Give it a whirl and you’ll find out exactly why.

Skip to the short version

” I [your name] swear not to add veggies or anything else healthy to this chili “

One of the many things I like about this recipe is that it requires no chopping or cutting of any kind. All of the ingredients are either meat, liquids, or powders. Easy peasy! It’s also not especially spicy (although it can be made to be) and it comes together in three or four hours tops. This is one of my go-to guaranteed slam dunk crowd pleaser recipes; I’ve made this for a number of different parties and have always received rave reviews. If only I had come up with this one myself… *sigh* No matter. I will paraphrase David’s superb recipe in this blog entry, but if you’re interested in the original, here it is.

My army of ingredients has been assembled, ready to do battle against vegetable-laden counterfeit chili knockoffs.

My army of ingredients has been assembled, ready to do battle against vegetable-laden counterfeit chili knockoffs.

If you’ve never had “true” (aka Texas style) chili before, this recipe may throw you off a little. There is absolutely no fluff whatsoever, and that’s how it’s meant to be. There are no beans, corn, wacky garnishes, or anything else – it’s just meat and flavor, period. If you like beans (I sure as heck do), make them separately and serve them on the side. For the love of all that is pure and good in this world, please do not add veggies. I beg you. NO VEGGIES. Repeat after me: “I [your name] swear not to add veggies or anything else healthy to this chili.” Good. I have experienced more bowls of chili that have been ruined by green things than I care to recall. I’m looking at you, California.


Ingredients

Part 1

  • 3 lbs beef chuck tender (You can also sub ground beef or turkey)
  • olive oil
  • two 14.5oz cans beef broth
  • one 8oz can tomato sauce
  • 4 dashes Tabasco pepper sauce
  • 1 1/2 tbls onion powder
  • 3/4 tsp red (cayenne) pepper
  • 2 tsp low sodium beef bouillon granules
  • 1 tsp low sodium chicken bouillon granules

Part 2

  • 3/4 tsp garlic powder
  • 1 1/2 tbls cumin
  • 3/4 tsp white pepper
  • 6 tbls chili powder (preferably Gebhardt’s)
  • salt to taste


Directions

Brown the meat in the bottom of a large pot using a couple tablespoons of olive oil. Add the tomato sauce, beef broth, and Tabasco sauce and stir well. Add the rest of the ingredients from part 1: Onion powder, red pepper, beef bouillon, and chicken bouillon. Stir until well mixed and bring to a boil. Reduce heat until the mixture is at a medium boil (or a strong simmer, if you prefer to think of it that way) and cook uncovered for 45 minutes, adding water as necessary. When is “necessary”? Well, if there are dry bits of meat protruding well above the surface of the liquid, you need to add water. If there aren’t, you don’t. If you need to stretch out your cooking time a bit (say, if your dinner guests are running late), it won’t hurt a thing to simmer the mixture in this state for an hour or even two.

This is what "enough liquid" looks like. Pretty scientific, right?

This is what “enough liquid” looks like. Pretty scientific, right?

When you are within half an hour of dinnertime, add all of the ingredients from part 2: Garlic powder, cumin, white pepper, and chili powder. Stir well, cover, and simmer for 30 minutes. At the end of the 30 minutes, salt to taste and remove from heat. Serve with grated cheddar cheese (I like Tillamook sharp), chopped white onion, and pinto beans. It’s also great over pasta, on hot dogs, with Fritos… Heck, I’ve even thought about brushing my teeth with this stuff. Just remember, put the veggies in a salad bowl and let the awesome simplicity of this chili speak for itself. Welcome to the big leagues.

Look at that bowl of perfection. David Valega's chili can beat up your chili.

Look at that bowl of perfection. David Valega’s chili can beat up your chili.



tl;dr

Backdoor chili

Ingredients

Part 1

  • 3 lbs beef chuck tender (You can also sub ground beef or turkey)
  • olive oil
  • two 14.5oz cans beef broth
  • one 8oz can tomato sauce
  • 4 dashes Tabasco pepper sauce
  • 1 1/2 tbls onion powder
  • 3/4 tsp red (cayenne) pepper
  • 2 tsp low sodium beef bouillon granules
  • 1 tsp low sodium chicken bouillon granules

Part 2

  • 3/4 tsp garlic powder
  • 1 1/2 tbls cumin
  • 3/4 tsp white pepper
  • 6 tbls chili powder (preferably Gebhardt’s)


Directions

Brown meat in a large pot with 2 tablespoons of olive oil. Add tomato sauce, beef broth, and Tabasco sauce and stir well. Add onion powder, red pepper, beef bouillon, and chicken bouillon, stir and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and medium boil uncovered for 45 minutes. Add garlic powder, cumin, white pepper, and chili powder. Stir, cover, and simmer for 30 minutes. Salt to taste, remove from heat, and serve with grated cheddar cheese.